End of the Journey

Posted on Sat Feb 20th, 2016 @ 10:03pm by Lieutenant Commander Michael Darwin & Captain Li Hawke

Mission: Further Challenges

* * *

“Here we go.” Li appeared at the campsite, two large fish on a string. She was still soaking wet and wearing Darwin’s shirt. “Just roast them whole. This particular fish is supposed to be really tender.”

Basic culinary skills were part of every security officer’s training; they never knew when they might find themselves with nothing but raw food to use. Darwin, though, had known that they’d have fish for dinner at some point on this trek. He pulled out a grate and, after scaling the fish, put them on the fire. “I already put some broccoli in the pot and we have lemon-pepper seasoning for both. After dinner I want to take another swim.” He noticed how his wet shirt clung to Li’s skin and looked at the fish.

Li settled by the fire with a laugh. “And you said we’d be roughing it. Nothing like roughing it with all the right seasonings.”

“Benefit of having done this before. The first time, I had salt and that was it. Considering how fresh these are, they are really tasty, but... well, just salt doesn’t do them justice.”

She watched as the fish began to sizzle over the flames. “I can’t remember the last time Jackson was really angry with me like he was today.”

“Angry with you? I thought he was irritated with me for...,” he shrugged, “That was awkward. Either way, Li, he doesn’t have a right to be angry. This is your grief. You’ll work through it as you need to.”

“By doing something most would see as a betrayal? So soon?”

“You didn’t do it, Li. And even if you did...,” he frowned. “Well... you’re concerned about not knowing passion again.....” He stopped talking, unable or unwilling to voice the idea that maybe it was what she needed. That would sound self-serving and he wasn’t going to push an idea she didn’t already have in her head.

“Jackson won’t stay mad. He’s just wound up over the loss too, and Oz’s condition. There’s a lot on his plate right now. Like all of us. I don’t even feel like me...at least the me I’ve gotten used to over the past few years.” She paused to watch dinner cook for a moment. “Promise me something? When you get tired of hearing about this, tell me?”

He poked at the fish in silence for a moment, then what prompted her comment came to him. “Hey... wait... Look, I had a thought about Edana last night, that she talks too much. She yammers on about stuff... just stuff, like whether she looks okay in blue or about Seyla’s latest dress. If you start doing that, then ...well, my method for making her hush is not appropriate with you.”

Li nodded. “I get it.” She was silent as she watched him, then reached out to touch his bare shoulder. “Maybe you should tell her that? Unless it isn’t a big deal?” She laughed a moment. “Sakkath was the quiet one for us. He’d likely say the same of me at times.”

“I doubt he would have ever complained - and not just because he’s a Vulcan.” He turned the fish over. “With Ed... She’s great. I should probably cut her loose, though.” He was thinking of his hangup on Amber; he wasn’t over her and wasn’t sure he ever would be, particularly since he rarely thought about it. Instead, he busied himself with women who weren't entirely a match.

“Because of someone long gone? Bad idea Darwin. I know I’m not exactly in a position to talk here but you have to move on or you’re going to be stuck there forever. You almost had another her in the alternate universe and yet you let that go...you need to let her memory go or you’re always going to end up passing on good things.” Li shrugged. “What would help you do it?”

“I don’t know. Let it be a lesson,” he joked. He pulled a bit of the fish off and set it in Li’s dish then added some broccoli. “Dig in.”

She did, her appetite ravenous after the long day’s hike. “This is delicious.” She continued to eat and now, chose to speak in Darwin’s head. What a pair we are, huh? You are an amazing man, Darwin, you deserve more than a memory to hold onto.

“Depends upon which memory you mean,” he countered, grinning and thinking of her under the waterfall.

Li smiled and set her empty plate aside. “Still up for that swim?”

“Yeah! Are you joining me?” He banked the fire and wrapped the remaining fish before setting it aside. “Snacks for later,” he said when he saw Li watching him. “Race you to the water.”

“Eat my dust,” she teased, then jumped up from the rock on which she was sitting. It was almost dark now and she felt less self-conscious as she stripped off Darwin’s shirt and dove into the water.

He paused, staring at the shirt, then, stripping off his pants, jumped in behind her. With several long strokes, he was across the water and under the falls again; he let it cascade down onto his shoulders.

That spot is magic… she whispered in his head as she floated on the surface of the water. All of this is.

On Earth, there's a word, Shangri-la, that's used to refer to magical places that don't really exist. He scrubbed his hands through his hair then, taking careful aim, jumped into the lake as close to Li as he could get.

“An old movie wasn’t it? I think I saw it once. Rhys...loved old Earth movies.” Even now, thinking of Rhys still hurt. She turned upright as Darwin swam closer, and she shared the pain, just a little of it so he’d understand. Now she reached out and took hold of his arm.

“Movie? I guess. There was a book that used the phrase.” He acknowledged the emotion she shared with him and considered it a moment. “Every once in a blue moon, a man will come across a woman he'd do anything for. You were that woman for Sakkath, stoic Vulcan emotions aside.”

His words echoed in her thoughts and she nodded. “He did everything for me and I know it wasn’t always easy for him. I tested his limits often I think. Most thought a Vulcan and a Betazoid was a recipe for disaster.”

“I can think of a worse mix: a Klingon and a Vulcan.” He and Gilroy had had this conversation before; theirs had been born out of sheer boredom while on a training exercise.

“True. I never doubted his feelings but they were not always on display. There were times though….” The memory of that tiny room at the top of the station came back to mind and she closed her eyes as it swept through her and thus into Darwin. “I wanted that far more often,” she admitted.

The emotions, both her and Sakkath's, washed over him. For a moment, it was almost like the pleasure she'd bombarded him with the night before. Had she not been holding onto his arm, he'd have swum away. But she was holding him and, for just a moment, the emotions - whose were whose - confused him. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her again.

She held tight to him, letting that kiss linger, then finally pulled back. “You should be careful Darwin,” she warned.

He let her go. “Careful of what?”

“Of me,” she answered. “This may be Shangri-La for us for at the moment, but eventually we have to return to the real world. Eventually I have to face what my life is now. I don’t want you getting caught in the explosion.”

“I'm not concerned by that,” he said with a naivety only a human could have about telepathy.

“Remember last night?” she asked. “It very well could be worse. I can feel it building. Jackson was thinking it too. He’s concerned.”

“Seems like it would be better to let out that pressure here instead of on the Station,” he said, treading water and slowly drawing away from her. “What will tip the scales on that? Being around everyone else who is grieving for Sakkath and feeling awful for you?”

“That’s what is so bad, Darwin. I appreciate that everyone cares so much but I don’t know if I can handle being surrounded by it.” She shook her head. “No that would send me into hide out and avoid mode faster than anything.” Come back….

He did, coming back within her reach. “You said yesterday you were afraid of that - of fading away until all you are is the XO and having nothing but work, no private life, no passion.”

“I know how I can be...well...how I’ve been of late. That wasn’t really me, another reason I feel guilty.” She shared more memories of her time in the field, with Leto, Jackson, Nick….with Louie in Chile just before she joined the Berkeley. “I was far from….tame.”

“It was - and is - you, Li. It was you in love with a Vulcan. You respected his boundaries. You can step away from that, if you want to.”

“Without dishonoring him?” she asked. “I feel like I’ve been put on this pedestal and now, if I eventually move on, people will think it callous and uncaring. Please tell me I’m wrong and make me believe it.”

“You are wrong. I'm not sure how to make you believe that, though. Let's dry off by the fire,” he swam toward the edge and helped her out of the water. Once he'd gotten a blanket for each of them and they'd settled in with mugs of hot chocolate, he said, “Oralia moved on and no one thinks less of her.” The old Suresh had, but then that had been the old Suresh’s way; he thought everyone was inferior.

“I think she always loved Jackson,” Li answered. “I’m glad she did too. If anyone in this universe deserves happiness it is her.” She sipped her hot chocolate. “Do you think I’m still in shock Dar? Nothing seems really...well...real.”

“Can’t imagine why,” he said a touch harshly, “The news knocked you on your ass and now we’ve run from real life. I’ve brought you to this tiny slice of paradise....” he looked around. The light of their fire reflected off the water and the far rock wall and the sound of the waterfall was a soft white noise. He thought he could stand to live here the rest of his days.

....run from real life….

The phrase echoed in her mind and she knew he was right. She had run away from all of it….the station, her position, the loss of Sakkath, all the people up there who cared for him and for her….suddenly she wanted to scream, cry out and hope it would ease the pain just a little. She realized now that no tears had come either, likely because she was so numb. She wanted to feel something...anything...beyond memories that threatened to fade all too quickly.

“I….I’m sorry…..I need to get away before I…..” She left the thought unfinished as she dropped her mug to the ground. In one swift move, she shed the blanket, rose and dove back into the water. Moments later, she had hidden behind the cascade of the waterfall and a plaintive cry reached Darwin.

On his feet in a flash, the blanket discarded on the rocks, Darwin made himself stop. What was he going to do? Swim after her and hold her close? Try to ease her grief? He had just spoken harshly, intentionally, to push her towards expressing her grief. He was unsure about what to do, so did nothing.

She left him sitting alone as the tears finally came, pouring forth seemingly without end. Sobs wracked her body and she gave in, knowing there was no one here but Darwin to overhear. With the sadness came waves of anger, at the Borg, at the universe, but mostly at Sakkath for leaving her. So great were the waves of emotion that they reached Darwin, grief alternating with near-rage, and finally….some relief.

When the cycling emotions tamed slightly and edged towards quietude, Darwin slipped into the water and swam to the waterfall. There, he found Li and put his arms around her.

She huddled against him, her breathing finally slowing towards normal. “I have to go back soon don’t I?”

“Yes.” He nodded. “Not tonight, maybe not even tomorrow, but sooner rather than later. We can come back here whenever you want, though.”

“Together? Just us?” She finally lifted her head to look at him. “Promise me that?”

“Yes. You’re the only one I’ve ever brought here. I think other Station residents know about this place, but... out of sight, out of mind. Which suits me just fine.”

Li nodded. “Me too. I love you, you know...and you know how I mean it. We’ve been through alot together. When we met the alternate universe’s Nahi and he turned out to be a traitor...you were there. In Eden you were there. Had you not been, you all might still be hunting for the old Suresh and me. And now...this. Whoever gets you will be a lucky woman.”

“Right now, I’m here with you, Li.” He knew they weren’t romantically in love, but they were friends, close friends and getting closer the longer they stayed away from the Station. “Let’s swim back before you fall asleep here. I think we’d both freeze here. We’ll decide what to do tomorrow.”

“We will go back tomorrow,” she murmured. “Oz and Jackson need me.” This time it was Li who pulled Darwin down for a kiss. “Let’s get some sleep.”

With another woman, he’d have turned that kiss into something much more, but... Li. He held back and when the kiss ended, he was immediately practical, “Do you want a dose of Lexorin before we go back?” He’d likely repeat the question in the morning, since he wasn’t really listening for an answer at the moment.

“No. I want my last night here with you to be unhindered. I know you’re not used to having someone in your head constantly but it’s been a huge comfort for me.” She didn’t really want to address the fact that it had been filling a space in her own head too.

“I haven’t reined in my thoughts all that much, if at all,” he said. He let go of her and directed her towards the water. “Let’s go dry off.”

They did and now, she left her wet clothes out and crawled into the tent. The boundaries between them had vanished altogether, it seemed.

Darwin again banked the fire, cleaned up the campsite a bit and set the leftover fish on the far side of the camp, out of any wrapper, then changed into dry skivvies. He then slipped into the tent and under the blankets. “Sleep well,” he whispered.

There was silence within only for a moment, then Li slipped over. Drawing close, she wrapped her arms around him and fitted herself against his side. “In Shangri-La,” she whispered.

It was a while before Darwin slept.

* The Return to Civilization *

“We could simply climb to the top and beam back to the Station. Which means we could spend all day today swimming and sunning, Li,” Darwin suggested as he poured a cup of coffee for her. He glanced across the campsite to where he’d left the fish last night; it was gone, entrails, fins and all. He smiled slightly.

“I like that idea very much.” She smiled across at him, then sipped her coffee. “I need to notify the quartermaster when we get up there though, to arrange for …...something else for a night or two.” She frowned, then shook her head. “Scratch that. That is only delaying the inevitable.” Another few sips and her cup was empty. She rose to refill it but stopped behind Darwin and wrapped her arms around his wide shoulders.

He put a hand on her forearms and leaned back slightly. “Small steps, right?”

“As you say,” she replied. She thought of Edana and for a moment was envious. She shared that emotion with Darwin. “I won’t be back on duty for several days.”

“Leroy can handle it, Li.” He sighed. “You’re envious of Edana? Just yesterday, I said I should cut her loose.”

“I don’t think you will, though she may have some words to say about your unexpected vacation. I wish you luck, my friend.” She stroked his dark hair gently.

“You think she’ll give me hell about this?” He shifted to look at her. “I don’t think she will, unless no one told where I am... then she might get mad, considering who we work with. But someone will have told her.”

“Good. “I wouldn’t want her thinking I had run away with her fellow.” She let go of Darwin, then moved past him to jump into the small lake. Moments later she was floating on her back, drinking up the sun.

Darwin stayed on the rocks, letting the sun warm him thoroughly. While he sat there, he saw his nighttime eater, a cat-like creature, on a ledge on the far wall. The longer he and Li remained still, the more wildlife he saw around them, including a long-legged bird that landed on a rock shelf under the water, snagged a fish and then spread brilliant, iridescent blue wings and taking off. he broke the spell by getting up and diving into the lake. He swam out under Li and, grabbing her hips, pulled her under suddenly. He surfaced laughing.

She scrambled back to the surface and spit water at him. With a laugh, she went back below, grabbed his ankles and knocked him off balance.

When she came back up, he was laughing and moving away from her. “Uncle!”

“Yeah, you’d better give in,” she called after him laughing. “I know where you live after all.” She turned and swam back towards the bank, then climbed out. She stood under the sun and stretched as the water began to dry from her skin. She had bared her soul (and everything else) to Darwin, even admitting some painful truths about her life that she’d always refused to think about. She felt, finally, free.

Darwin had, once upon a time, dated a Betazoid. He’d appreciated the attitude the culture had towards sex and nudity: neither were a problem. It was refreshing, considering how repressive humans could be about the same things. He watched Li for a moment then had to look away and think of other things.

She retrieved a fresh set of clothes from the tent and was soon dressed in shorts, shirt, and hiking boots. Without a word, she began to pack away the remains of the trip. I pulled out some clothes for you… floated into Darwin’s head as she collapsed the small tent.

Thanks, he responded. He swam to the falls and stood under them for a few minutes, thinking his own thoughts: that he shouldn’t feel this way about a newly widowed friend, especially since he was Sakkath’s friend as well; that the Station wouldn’t be the same after Sakkath’s loss; that, like Li, he didn’t really want to go back. Eventually, he returned to the campsite. He sat in the sun, drying off, while Li pulled out some food for lunch.

“Don’t feel guilty,” she said softly. “You have no reason to. That’s my department.” She passed him some lunch then sat down beside him. “It would take little more than a gentle push and I’d requisition a shuttle, reassign you, and we’d hit the road for a couple of months.”

“Hey, the patrol ship...,” he joked. “But that wouldn’t help you, Li, in the long run.”

“No, it won’t, as inviting as it sounds. Besides, I have a job to do and an awful lot of people depending on me, including an assistant who’s probably worried sick by now.” She smiled briefly. “But we still have this place.”

“We’ll always have Shangri-la,” he said before digging into his lunch.

****************
Captain Li Hawke
Dancing With The Surreal

Lt. Commander M. Darwin
Swimming in the Deep End