No Secrets

Posted on Fri May 22nd, 2015 @ 10:42am by Lieutenant Commander Nicolao & Petty Officer 1st Class Drusilla Dupree

Mission: Breaking New Ground
Location: Outside Counselor's Office

* * * Piper Medical Center * * *

He had to get out. Coming right on top of the newly-recalled memories, the video feed was too much. It was right there in living color, not some shadowy remembered horror. He knew the rest needed to see it, to know that it was Azoulay there in that room. But they also saw his humiliation, the weakness he’d given in to, the loss of himself and his control that he’d always been able to maintain no matter what. Solis was right, it was one thing to remember, it was another to see it. And it was something else entirely to have others see it. Especially Dru. His long strides put some distance between him and Robin’s office, though he had no destination in mind...just...away. He found himself at the end of a nearby corridor, looking out through the view portal but seeing nothing except the movie that played over and over in his head - not the one on the screen but the one in which he saw the horrified expressions on all their faces.

Drusilla, having determined that she had given him enough time alone, pulled from Robin and dashed out into the corridor to find Nico. It took several moments, but she finally found him staring out a viewport. He heard her, but she was running and wasn’t stopping until she embraced him. It almost knocked him over, but she grabbed him and held on for dear life.

“I didn’t realize how brave you were, Nico,” she said as they hugged tightly. “To have gone on like you did. I don’t know that I could have gone on. I don’t know that I would have been able to live like that.”

Slowly, he began to relax in her embrace. The scent of her perfume drifted up, comforting him. “There was no life there, Dru. I was nothing….nothing left. They helped that along by refusing to use my name even. And to see it again in there…” A shudder ran over him and he fell silent. There was more he needed to say but the words were not coming so easily. He felt as if he’d been scraped raw...embarrassed that she’d seen it in such vivid detail, had seen him beg for mercy.

“It was a horrible thing, Nico, but you got out. You have a life out of there now and you have me.” She got up on her tiptoes to kiss his face. “It’s a part of your past, but it’s not who you are.”

“That’s just it,” he whispered. “They took everything I was and made me into...nothing. I only have part of me back. I was always in control Dru, never broke down and there...you saw…..” His breathing had become rapid once again. “How do we go on from here without you seeing that every time you look at me?”

“Okay, Nico,” she said, steering him to a bench against the bulkhead. “Sit.” She kneeled in front of him, her hands on his hands. “I don’t know the you from before the you in that video back there. The only Nicolao that I know is this one, the one you say is broken and no longer in control. But that’s not what I was told about you when you were looking for me. I was told that you were on point the entire time and, other than the personal attachment, you were stone cold. So, I don’t think the old you is completely gone, but I also don’t know that I would have fallen in love with the old you either.”

Fallen in love? That tripped him up, adding to the chaos in his thoughts but it was something to be addressed later in more pleasant circumstances. He pursed his lips, wondering if she had any idea how right she was about the old him. Finally, he shook his head. “No. I can tell you that if you knew me then? You’d have run in the other direction. There are things, Dru...my life as it was….you’d have hated me.”

“See? All the more reason to be happy for the things that have happened to you--well,” she rolled her eyes, “not happy by any stretch of the imagination. But imagine not having me in your life? Right?” She tried to laugh but it wasn’t happening. Slipping back to the sadder emotions, she added, “I know that I can’t imagine it right now.”

He took her face in his hands, his gaze holding hers. “I can’t do this if I am going to be afraid of waking up every morning to find you’ve gone, that you can’t face it anymore. It’s a heavy load to carry, Dru. You need to...be sure.” He hated even saying the words to her. “You need to understand that this may be a long haul. And if I regain my status, what then?”

“You don’t think I’ve already gone over this in my head?” she asked, somewhat angrily now. “Nico, I’m not an idiot. I know what I’m getting into here. Spend enough time with Robin and you tend to pick up a few things. I realize what you’re going through, how hard it will be and that there will be very rough patches before smooth sailing, but I’ve decided and maybe you should stop trying to push me away. I’m not going anywhere unless you don’t want me.”

“That is the last thing I want to do,” he whispered. “I don’t think I can do it without you.”

“Like I said before, I didn’t realize how brave you were to have gone on like you did.” She slid up onto the bench beside him. “And I know, for a fact, that you would be able to do it without me. But I won’t let you. I want to be with you each step of the way.”

He reached for her hand, squeezing it tight. “Then that’s what we will do.” The words came out so soft and low, they were barely heard aloud, but they echoed in Dru’s head as if they were her own. “Forgive me. I never want to drive you away but sometimes, moving past the things that constrain us can be frightening, no matter how much we want to do it.”

“Well,” she said as she play punched him in the shoulder, “suck it up, buttercup. We have some work to do and some admirals’ asses to save. And you’re the star player.”

“What I want...is to make her endure what I did.” There was such bitterness in his words and in the aura around him that it began to flow into Dru. “If I had remembered this before...here...I very well might have. I want you to know this as I will have no more secrets from you.”

“After seeing that video, I agree,” Dru said honestly. “I’d like to flay her myself, but you know we can’t do that, Nico. We’re supposed to be the good guys.”

“So was she,” he said quietly. He was silent for several minutes, letting it all turn over in his mind. “Remember our day at the beach?” he finally asked.

She hadn’t thought about that day in quite some time and it brought a smile to her face. “I do. Vividly.”

“I want to get back to the me that was with you there...the me before she came here and ruined it all.” He managed a brief smile. “It was good.”

“That is a goal worth shooting for,” she replied, nudging him with her shoulder. “And that smile is to die for. Don’t worry--we’ll have you back to smiling regularly in no time.”

He nodded and wrapped her in his arms. “I want to go home tonight. I need you...without an audience.”

“You know, our room might be bugged, but at this point,” she said, enjoying his touch, “I don’t even care.”

“Maybe but…” he shrugged. “Maybe we’ll have the night...before they need me. I’m sure Ray will have his hands full in the next few hours. I want food...a shower...and you.”

She stood and pulled him up with her. “Come on. I’ll tell Robin we’re heading home and he can reach us there when he needs us.”

Nico stood and took her hand. It surprised him how easily he could do that now, at least with Dru. He looked down into her eyes, seeing the hope there and making a fervent wish that she was right. The vision of the red rose lighting the grey landscape came to him. He passed the thought to her...and smiled.

********************
Nicolao
He Dreams In Red

PO2 Drusilla Dupree
Stand By Your Man