Bad Teacher

Posted on Fri Jun 22nd, 2012 @ 7:51pm by Ignatius Reilly & Admiral Ricky Wegener

Mission: Sections of the Delta Quadrant
Location: Admiral's Quarters

**Warning: This post has more than the usual amount of cursing in it.**

Shortly after Darwin had left her alone again, Ignatius had started to puzzle at the whole 'foul language' discussion. The male had seemed upset that she'd picked up and was using particular words. Curious (and, admittedly, a touch lonely and bored), Iggy decided that, other than Oralia, only one other entity on the 'base could answer her questions. A male who'd proven that he was at least halfway as intelligent as Oralia herself: the Big Kahuna. Having made up her damn mind, the spider set off towards the Admiral's quarters. If he wasn't there, she'd wait for him; she had packed her own snacks: two large roaches, envenomed and bound to two of her side legs.

Thanks to her method of travel: inside the jeffries tubes and ventilation shafts, Ignatius had no problem entering the Admiral’s darkened quarters through an unprotected air vent. He wasn’t home just yet, so she made herself comfortable. His bed sheets and pillows and a bit of her silk made for a cozy nest; tucked in safely and facing the door of the Admiral's bedroom, Ignatius entered into a state that wasn’t quite sleep but sort of was.

* *Later* *

Rick's meeting with Admiral S'iraa had been handled--as well as it could have been. He needed to head back to his quarters for a while. He only had an hour before S'iraa would want to view the new ship.

As luck would have it, S'iraa's quarters were only a short way from his so he was 'home' quickly. Walking in he shucked his jacket and tossed it on a chair inside the door and headed for the kitchen. Grabbing a beer from the fridge he popped the top, walked to his bedroom and almost froze at the sight of what was sitting on his bed.

Before he could stop himself he blurted out, "Holy fucking shit! I really wish you could announce yourself, Iggy!”

Unstartled by Ricky’s sudden appearance, Iggy stretched her legs to their longest and stood in the middle of his bed. Holy. Fucking. Shit? I did not know that shit could be holy. Oralia praises a... ‘god’... when fucking. But shit? I thought that was simply excrement.

Realizing what he had done, and after hearing about his chief security officer's sex life--something he could have done without, he blushed a bit. "I apologize, Iggy. I shouldn't have said that. That is what can be referred to as cursing or 'colorful metaphors'. Those words aren't normally used in polite society."

He wandered into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face.

Her mental voice followed him easily: That is why I am here. Oralia’s minion told me not to use certain words, but he used them. If those colorful metaphors should not be used, then why are they in use?

"Minion," he chuckled into the towel as he wiped his face. "Well, to be honest, Iggy, they're normally only used as an exclamation when someone is surprised, like in this case when I found you lying in wait, or when scared. Things like that. However, the words themselves aren't actually considered polite. I'm sure there's an official Starfleet policy against using them, but as long as they are used sparingly I normally don't mind."

He re-entered his bedroom and looked at her, trying to focus on one of the eyes. "Someone that curses constantly has, what we call, a potty mouth. The correlation there being that bad things are found in potties, or the toilet, and we don't want to associate that sort of thing with what comes out of our mouths." His head went back and forth as he thought about it more. "Kind of a weird thing, that. We know it's bad but sometimes we do it anyway."

I see. Iggy didn’t, not really. She moved towards the Admiral and found that she could actually step, slowly, off his bed and set a pair of legs at a time on the floor. Are there other words besides holy fucking shit?

"That's three words, actually and only two of them are bad. The word holy is not a bad word, it's just added in there for some...flair. But yeah, sure. There's all kinds of words."

He pulled from the bottle and realized that he was in drinking company. "Want something to drink?"

The hell I do! Iggy saw the bottle the Admiral was drinking from and bobbed up and down in excitement. The last time he’d given her beer, she’d gotten drunk - and subsequently dehydrated, which had made her walk home the following day difficult - but she was having a selective memory moment and recalled only the taste of the beer and the delightful floaty feeling it gave her. Beer!

He found a small bowl and poured some of his own drink in. It wouldn't do to go to the Admiral's new ship inspection a little tipsy or smelling of alcohol, so he didn't mind sharing his own.

"Now, see here, Iggy...you're going to have to learn when to use the appropriate phrases. In this instance, when I offered you beer, you said 'the hell I do', which normally means no. For example, if I made the statement "Iggy wants to be a biped", your response would be...."

He waited for her to repeat the words.

Iggy wasn’t on the same page, possibly because she was now fang-deep in beer and enjoying the first hit of fermented hoppy goodness. She answered: What the fuck would I want that for? Which six legs would you have me get rid of?

Rick sighed. "Okay, stay with me. You wouldn't want to become a biped, I suspect. So if someone says something about you that you know you don't want to do, you could say, 'The hell I do!' or if they say that you did something you know you didn't you could say 'The hell I didn't!' Now, when I offered you the beer you could have said any of the following: 'hell yes!', 'fuck yes!', 'you're goddamn right I do!', 'fuckin'-A!'--which I'm still not sure what the A means in that one, but whatever." He paused. "Are you understanding now?"

Fuck yes! Iggy answered enthusiastically. This lesson was far better than the one Darwin had attempted to impose upon her. She shifted slightly and rested her prosoma in the saucer of beer, the better to soak up the liquid. What other phrases are useful?

"Uh..." he thought a moment, not normally use to being used as a dictionary for curse words. "Shit, hell, damn, asshole, bastard--" he stopped and looked at the chronometer. "You know what? I need to get going. My boss is waiting for me, but I can do you a favor. Follow me."

He went to the desk in the office of his quarters and pulled up the monitor. "Computer, please pull up a listing of all slang and curse words and phrases in Federation Standard."

The list was compiled after a few moments and, once Iggy had situated herself where she could see the monitor, he said, "Would you like for me to have the computer read them all off to you?"

I cannot read, so hell yes! Iggy lifted one leg as if to emphasize that yes answer. All hail the Big Kahuna! Yeah, the beer was already giving Iggy that floaty feeling she liked so much.

"You have to promise me one thing first, Iggy," he said. "Use this information wisely. You don't go around saying these words or phrases all the time. They aren't used in normal conversation. As I said before, they are only used when you're stressed, confused, angry, surprised...that sort of thing. Can you promise me that?"

But you said I could use ‘fuck yes’ as an affirmative answer, the spider protested, clearly still not quite getting how cursing should, or should not, be used.

"I'll have the computer explain it to you, then, on when these uses are appropriate."

"Computer, audible playback of all information listed. Follow with an explanation of their use in society and when they should not be used."

The computer chirped a response and began playing.

While she was listening he retrieved her bowl of beer and placed it where she could get to it, adding a little more to top it off.

"Enjoy, Iggy. I have to go. If you're drunk again by the time this is finished playing, you can stay here until you're better. I don't want Oz complaining again that I got you drunk."

Fucking-a!, Iggy called after him. A moment later, with two legs dipped into the bowl of beer and her eight eyes staring off at nothing in particular, Ignatius went still and simply listened to the computer as it moved on to the second entry: "Arse. Definition..."

_____________________________
VADM Ricky Wegener
Walking Slang Dictionary

Ignatius J. Reilly
Typical College Student
Enrolled in Cursing 101