Queen of Guilt

Posted on Thu Oct 15th, 2015 @ 8:57pm by Ensign Reva Madhava & Lieutenant Raj Amani & Ensign Cela Bonham

The outer doors to Raj’s offices opened and Cela looked up from her computer with a smile. “Hi Reva, come on in. I just made some coffee, the real stuff, not replicated. Would you like some before you go in to see Raj?”

“Ah, no, thank you, I think I’m jittery enough without the coffee,” Reva smiled distractedly. Despite Riley’s admonishments, the Orion had replicated and donned another long, bulky cardigan over her jeans and t-shirt. “Can I go in?”

“Sure, Raj is waiting.”

“Come on in Reva,” Raj called out from the inner office.

She went in and eased into an armchair near Raj’s seat. “Where do we start?”, she asked, looking uncomfortable.

Raj looked back at her for a moment. “Wherever you like. You don’t have to sit if you don’t want to. You can stretch out on the sofa or wander around.” He pointed to one of the bookcases that lined the walls. “While you’re wandering, there’s a book on the second shelf there about the mechanical inventions of DaVinci you might like.”

She looked where he pointed and mentally noted it. “Okay. Desta seems to be adjusting well.” Unable to repress her curiosity, she got up and wandered to the shelf, pretending to read the titles as she trailed a finger along the book spines. Books! With paper pages. She was intrigued and pulled the DaVinci book out.

“So I’ve seen. I think you and ‘the girls’, as she referred to you all, taking her down to Archadia was a great idea,” he answered. “How did you like it?”

“Hmm,” Reva, looking at the diagrams in the book, nodded her head side to side in a so-so type of response. “It was okay. Um.... Six has a bodyguard, a grey Orion, who watches all the time. It was creepy. And then Suresh called and wanted to talk to me - he and Robart have a business arrangement regarding Riley. Essentially, Robart bought Riley for me, which prevents Suresh from hurting him.”

Raj raised his eyebrows at that news. “That’s interesting. It seems to me to be a simple way to solve a potentially difficult situation, at least publicly.” He caught on something she’d just said, however. “You know Robart watches out for you too. Do you find that creepy?”

“No,” she shook her head. “He watches out for me; he doesn’t watch me the way Farco was watching us on the planet. We were on a boat, and Six pointed out that Farco was in a tree on the shore watching us.” She pulled at her sweater to wrap it around her tighter.

“Do you think there’s some reason why the close watch?” He had an idea but he wanted to hear Reva’s ideas on the subject. Her tugging at her sweater didn’t escape him either.

“Niro? He could be a reason. It seems that three of the four of us have had run-ins with him or pissed him off in some way. While I was in Piper, he came to see me and I told him not to come back. So, concern that Niro might try something could make Suresh think keeping a close eye on Six is necessary.” She sat in the same armchair again and thumbed through the book, stopping to look at drawings of a helicopter.

“You and I haven’t really discussed him much, but he seems to be lurking in a lot of places lately. What about his visit to you here at Piper? Would you like to start there?” Reva’s words confirmed his suspicions and agreed with something Six had said in passing last week. He made a note to get back to that when he saw Six next time.

“He was so angry, Raj,” Reva sunk into herself and the chair as much as she could, drawing the sweater’s collar up. “It was scary just how mad he got when Riley made it clear that he - Niro - had to leave and not come back. It was like Fisher’s anger.... He killed a woman in front of us. He used a whip and practically flayed her alive.” Her voice had dropped to a whisper.

“Which puts Farco’s presence in some perspective,” Raj mused. “You said three of the four, I assume you meant Six and Falasin? If so, that makes a certain amount of sense. Now, Niro. Have you seen him since?”

Shaking her head, she said, “No. I haven’t. I don’t want to. I’ve stayed close to home or close to Riley. The one time I ventured out, I wasn’t really alone - I had one of Iggy’s babies with me and then Chance walked me home. I did mean Six and Falasin, yeah. Desta hasn’t been around long enough to cross Niro; we three warned her away from him.”

“Good, she doesn’t need that. Nor do any of you. Have you considered an official request via Security? Do you think that would be some relief?” Raj asked.

“Having unlisted quarters gives me relief. I didn’t realize how nice it would be to not worry about who knows where I live. He can’t find me unless someone tells him - you, Riley, Vic, Desta... and Six. That’s who knows where I am.” She was forgetting that Niro could ‘nudge’ someone in Security to give him her quarters’ location.

Raj didn’t forget that but he thought it prudent not to mention it. “What about your relationship with Niro? I know that may not be your favorite topic but it’s something we should explore if you are to get on with your life and not let it drag you down.”

“It started out as just something fun - he has this ability to create pleasure just by touching you. It was amazing. Then Riley was in the Brig... and Niro was a welcome distraction,” she shrugged with one shoulder. “In those few days, I started to not like Niro but Riley was gone to me. I used Niro to hide from that.” She sighed. “And I’ve paid for it.”

“How so?” Raj’s brows drew together. He didn’t like the turn this conversation had taken suddenly. “Was it forced?”

“Was what forced? I meant that I’ve paid for using Niro; if I hadn’t been doing that, then Owain wouldn’t have been threatened and he wouldn’t have helped Fisher.” She frowned, thinking about his question and expanding it in her head. “Force, Raj? Not with Niro, no. And with Fisher, eh, ...I went into it with eyes wide open. I knew what he wanted, he’d already shown me the consequence of refusing. I chose not to refuse. I traded what he wanted for what I wanted: sex for a lack of pain, for a bit of food." A sob caught in her throat and she coughed to clear it. "No more, no less than what Seyla and her girls do, just a difference in what the benefits are.”

Raj debated his next words carefully, and then chose to be blunt. He’d been there for Reva’s rescue and seen her in the first days after up close, so he was a bit more involved this time around. He shook his head at her words.

“No, it’s vastly different. For you, it wasn’t selling yourself for money, it was your only means of survival, of staying alive. I rarely if ever tell my patients what to do but in this case I feel it’s warranted, Reva. Don’t ever see yourself in that light. You managed to survive in what amounted to a fatal situation, something that was almost impossible, and yet you did it. The courage and strength that took are beyond anything that Seyla and her women, or most anyone else, could ever hope to achieve. Does that help?”

She blinked as she thought about his words. “But I also got a woman killed. And would have gotten an Orion killed if Pash hadn’t intervened. My survival cost that woman her life.”

Raj looked back at her, his expression serious. “Let’s look at this from another angle,” he suggested. “If you were Fisher, what could be the motive for the death of the Bajoran woman and the threat to kill the Orion?”

“He did it to make me compliant.” In a monotone voice, she went on, “I had... I got the chain off of my ankle and went out into the ship’s systems. I damaged something and that was the consequence. He killed the Bajoran and left me with Desta. We broke out of the cargo bay and I damaged the engines. That’s when Fisher brought the Orion in to kill him... I think he liked the killing.”

Raj nodded. “I have no doubt of that. As for his motive, yes, making you compliant was a big one. He did it to get to you, to get into your head. He knew that the guilt would put you right in the palm of his hand. You didn’t make him do anything. He would have found a reason for her death one way or another. Do you see?”

“I get that, Raj, intellectually, but... if I hadn’t slipped off the chain, that woman might still be alive.” She was stubborn, even in holding onto the guilt Fisher imposed on her.

He shook his head. “I don’t think so. He was playing with your head and he managed a hell of a job. He wanted you to buy into that. It was simply one more tool to gain control over you. I suspect that by the time he threatened that Orion on his crew, he knew you would give in. I am suggesting that he never intended to kill the man.”

Guilt washed over Reva: she was thankful Fisher had chosen to kill the Bajoran and threaten the Orion rather than use the collar. She said as much to Raj, adding, “The pain from that collar was more than anything I can handle and I’m willing to do anything to avoid that again.”

“He knew that too, Reva,” Raj said quietly. “You have no reason to feel guilty. Fisher was a master at what he did. The question now is, will you let him win?”

“Win? He’s dead. Riley killed him. I know, I know: you mean I shouldn’t carry this guilt around because of Fisher - it’s what he wanted me to do. It’ll take awhile to turn that knowledge into an emotional truth.”

Raj smiled finally. “See? You’re getting it. And that is exactly my point. He is dead and gone. Don’t keep him alive, Reva. It will only continue to mess with your life.” He reached over to tug at the hem of her sweater. “Or make you continue to try to hide.”

She glared at him and shifted away from his intruding hand. “It’s comfortable. And I went out without it when Riley and I went to the Nexus. He wouldn’t let me wear it.”

“That was a good first step. Look, I know why you wear it.” His tone was gentle as he approached this difficult subject. “It won’t do what you want it to do though. You want something protective? That will come from within. You had it when you were there, fighting Fisher. You still have it. Use it.”

“Okay... now you’re sounding like that holomovie with the little green guy, Yoda. ‘Use the force,’” she laughed. “Sorry, I don’t mean to make light of what you’re telling me. I’ll work on wearing the sweater less. Do I have other homework?”

Raj laughed as well. “No, that’s good. Humour is very good sign.” He nodded. “Just that. Also, I’m taking Six to the theatre to see South Pacific, the play, not the movie. Would you like to join us?”

“Sure.” She nodded. “I don’t have much on my calendar at the moment, so just let me know when.” She stood then brandished the book, “Mind if I borrow this till next time?”

“Enjoy it. But if I see you flying over the Promenade on a glider, I will swear I had nothing to do with it.” He smiled at her. “Keep it as long as you like. I’ll see you in three days. Cela will arrange it for you.”

“I’m thinking about something smaller... like a spider-sized vehicle,” she grinned. “Thanks, Raj. I’ll talk to Cela on my way out.” She clutched the book to her breast and headed out.

**************
Ensign Cela Bonham
The Coffee Queen

Ensign Reva Madhava
The Sweater Queen

Lt. Raj Amani
Yoda...Not The Queen