Coping

Posted on Wed Sep 28th, 2011 @ 4:27pm by http://starbase900.info/index.php/personnel/character/23

Mission: In Our Time of Need
Location: One of the many Counseling offices
Timeline: current

Connor was handed a glass of water as his counselor moved past him to take her seat on the chair that faced him. "So you just spent some time in the HBOT tank, how are you feeling?", she asked.

Accepting the glass his eyes followed her, "Calmer. There's still some anxiety but I feel more in control now", he said quietly, taking a swallow of water. He leaned back in his seat, his mind drifting elsewhere. He thought he had been finished with the treatments; Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, a treatment that he and Kona had put together, engineering back on the Berkeley modifying a Decompression chamber into an oxygen treatment tank. It improved the PTSD, benefited his battle back to normalcy with the OCD, overall improving his road to recovery from the long term affects of his head injury.

"What happened Connor?" she asked, pulling him back.

"I wanted to kill Jackson Banning..." he said, having rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes. He breathed in deeply, "Even when I have the violent images 'n' the anxiety that goes with them, I always know, I can always remind myself I would never act upon them. But this time, I wanted to 'n' I think..", he swallowed hard, "it was these images 'n' the anxiety they bring that stopped me."

Pressing her lips together, she studied him, "Have you ever killed anyone?"

"Yes", he nodded.

"Can you talk about it?"

"Not really", he said, opening his eyes, and pulling himself upwards in his chair, "Not the details", he leaned forward, rubbed his palms together, "Three times. During the war. Twice in self defense, once to protect a patient. During those times, I had no choice..", he ran a hand over his mouth, looking away, "I was not a violent bloke until this morning."

"Never before this morning?"

"There was one other time, right after my recovery from surgery... this perv made obscene gestures towards Oralia..."

"After the first flashback you told me about?", she asked, remembering the story.

"Yes", he said becoming quiet.

"Have you had anymore since your treatments ended?" she asked.

He shook his head no, looking off again, his mind on Oralia.

"Connor, stay with me", she noticed he was always this way right after a treatment, he seemed to wander. "What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to keep myself busy, bury myself in my work. I'm accepting the CMO position."

"Connor...", she tried to hide her concern, but failed.

"I tried... to have a personal life, Counselor", he said putting out his hands, "I gave my heart to someone who couldn't give hers in return. I failed."

"Why do you think you failed, Connor?", her concern growing.

Closing his eyes, he pinched between them, "I didn't love her enough."

"Have you ever felt that way before, with someone else?"

He nodded slightly, shifting uncomfortably.

"Well then you know that can be a pattern, it's not uncommon for people with your condition to feel that way."

He nodded again, removing his fingers, his eyes watering, he looked around the room, "I know...but this time it's true. Jackson was right, I never trusted her. I love her, but not enough. It was never enough.

"You said..", she angled her head around to get him to focus on her again, "..you were getting better, improving."

Leaning an elbow on his chair's armrest, Connor covered his eyes with a hand. Unable to hold back the grief that had been growing, the tears any longer, "I was..."

She leaned forward, placing a hand over his that gripped his leg, her own brows coming together. "Connor, consider this...the OCD wasn't the culprit this time, it factored in because you made sure of that. You took the necessary steps to bring it to the surface. As much as you despise it, want to be rid of it, it's become a crutch. Something for you to blame all your problems on. You are a strong intelligent man, but you spend so much of your energy fighting this condition, that when 'you' are the cause of your problems, or part of the cause, you can't cope, you don't know how to deal with it. Can you accept any of that as a possibility?"

He nodded as the tears continued.

"I think that's what we need to work on."

*************

LT. Connor McKinney


His Counselor
NPC by Connor