Stuck

Posted on Sat Nov 12th, 2011 @ 2:05pm by Commander Oralia Zeferino & http://starbase900.info/index.php/personnel/character/23

Mission: In Our Time of Need
Location: Holosuite
Timeline: Current

When Oz wanted to, she could move very quickly. This was one of those times. The brunette was on the verge of crying and wanted to be somewhere where no one would see her and where most people wouldn't interrupt her. It helped that a bank of holosuites wasn't far from the coffee shop - she was able to get there, log out a suite and have a program start before her tears came.

Inside the suite, Oralia didn't notice the new atmosphere. She should have; it was beautiful: a quiet spot near a marina with a very small, sandy beach leading right into the water. Oz sat on a bench looking out over the water, towards sailboats placidly bumping against a dock.

Connor walked in a few minutes later, hesitating as he looked at the back of her, feeling the breeze that softly blew in from the water and teased loose strands of her hair. He forced himself to look away and lock the holosuite, making sure to keep anyone else from entering, and he walked over to sit beside her, placing a hand over hers.

"Oralia..", he said, his voice filling up with emotion as he continued, "I'm so sorry."

Sniffling to stop her tears, Oralia avoided looking at him for a moment. When she finally did, her eyes were lined with red. She glanced at his hand on hers then snorted slightly, "How many Betazoids does it take to help two dumb humans with their relationship?"

He looked out over the water, and shook his head, "I don't know, I... walked in there with this idea..." and he stopped himself from continuing, for fear she would agree; that he 'was' bad for her, that she was better off without him. Wasn't she? He wrapped his fingers around hers, and he looked at her, "I don't want to lose you...", and looking as if he had more to say, he looked away again.

"Then why did you walk out? I don't...," she shook her head but didn't move to extricate her hand from his. She didn't understand why he would do what he had done; she wasn't sure whether she could forgive that. "....Your action directly opposes your words."

"I can't defend myself on that," he said quietly, any hope he had disintegrating.

She heard defeat in his tone and looked at him. "Connor, there are so many things we don't say because we're scared. What are we scared of? At this point, we're both miserable. It isn't like we could make this any worse than it is." She took a shaky breath and scuffed a toe in the sand under them. "I mean... I could point out that being close to me might be a death sentence... and I haven't any leads on ending that yet. And that risk could make you reasonably decide it isn't worth it." Her faked nonchalance had holes in it.

Connor closed his eyes at her words. "You were worth it on that planet, 'n' you are worth it now." He opened his eyes and pulled her to stand with him, saying desperately, "I love you, Oralia." He placed his hands on both sides of her neck, pulling her to him, his eyes tearing up, "I'm dying right now without you."

She'd grown up in a family where some things just weren't said and some emotions just weren't expressed. Her failure to unlearn that familial trait had tanked every relationship she'd had, just as it was doing with this one. She was aware of the issue, at least. Holding onto him, she sought to break that habit, saying what she was thinking, "I'm so unhealthy for you. First on the planet, and even now, here. Your injury was worsened because you saved me; because we... we love each other, you're on a roller coaster. And that has us on a roller coaster: you don't trust me, so you up and left and now... I don't trust that you won't leave again." She was crying again; she quashed the urge to sniffle and claim allergies were getting to her.

Connor shook his head at her words as she spoke, saying "No..no..," as she finished, his hands caressed up her neck to the sides of her face. "What I did on that planet, I'd've done for anyone. I'm a Starfleet officer, I'm a doctor, I've always had to deal with risk..." he swallowed hard. "If you could hear or see what goes on in my head...I've dealt with risk my whole life. Oralia..", his hold on her strengthening, "you 'n' I ...are dysfunctional..." Resting his forehead on hers, he breathed in deeply with tears of his own. "But because we love each other we have the chance at something we may never have a chance at again. Please don't give up on us. Please..", he wrapped his arms around her, "We can work on our problems. I'll burl harder."

"You know that I did see some of what's in your head, right?" She pulled back to look at him. "I don't get everything you handle, babe. We're not dysfunctional. I know I can be a touch... obtuse... but you can't just leave me when you're frustrated with me. I need you to promise you'll talk to me before doing anything."

Connor nodded, putting his hands palms together up to his face, and he turned away from her his hands pulling away from each other to rub at his neck. The breeze continuing from the water, he looked out over it, "I still don't trust you.." He turned back to her, shaking his head, "I don't know what to do about it. I..."

"You... what? You still don't...?" She was as floored now as she had been when he'd said that to her in his new quarters. Blinking and not quite sure how to take it all, she took off her shoes and waded into the water. Calf-deep in the water and soft sand, she stood with her hands on her hips and looked across the water at the sailboats. "Why? Jackson asked me what I'd done to make you not trust me. I didn't have an answer for him. Still don't."

"I don't know..I just feel it. It's not going to change...", he watched her, following her out into the water, "...until you really yarn to me about him." He reached out for her, gently grabbing her arm, "Oralia, I mean really yarn to me, stop denying there is more than an attraction!"

Turning towards him, Oralia shook her head, at first confused. "Jackson? Hon, I am attracted to him; he's a well-built man. I'd have taken him to bed in a minute; apparently tried to last night, and he refused."

That more than floored Connor. He let go of her, stepping back. His face was immediately reddened, "You would take him to bed in a minute 'n' that's what? Not a big deal?" His tone was incredulous, and he turned himself around, starting briskly heading back out of the water.

She didn't chase him. Instead, she spoke simply, "You're leaving." Even as she said it, she realized he hadn't promised not to do that. "You don't know the circumstances of last night, Connor. Besides, why would it be a big deal? You were coming to the coffee shop to completely end this, weren't you? You want me to give 'us' another chance, to not give up, but... you'll walk away whenever you hear something you don't like?"

He spun back around, heading back to her with his arms outstretched. "Not a fucking big deal..! Not dysfunctional?! Even now when we're trying to work things out, you would take him to bed. When we were together before, you would've taken him to bed. Despite how I feel about it, how much this hurts me, hurts us, all Jackson has to do is say the word...'n' you don't understand why I don't trust you?!" And feeling as if he was seeing things, seeing her, more clearly, he headed away again, and began to pace back and forth in the water.

He continued, "I was going to end 'this', I thought... I was... not-so-bonza for you...!", and he stopped pacing, facing her, so angry he felt himself leaving in another way. He froze for a quick moment before continuing, "I'm attracted to Li Hawke, but I don't want to take her to bed, I don't... I don't wonder what it would be like to... root her...", and he started heading out of the water again "Just stay away from me..." his voice shook.

Pulling back emotionally, Oz let him rage at her. "As you wish, Connor," she said in a near-whisper as he headed for the door. She didn't want him to leave, but she had no way to stop him, nothing she could say would calm him. Thinking he was gone, she pulled her dress up and off, tossed it to the sand and sunk into the water to sit on the sandy bottom. His words, Stop denying there is more than an attraction.... I'm attracted to Li...but don't wonder what it would be like to root her..., ran through her head. Wasn't wanting sex with someone the very definition of 'attracted'?

She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around her legs. She didn't understand Connor's, and Jackson's, emotional, prudish attitudes towards attraction and sex, even after having Jackson partially explain the 'caveman' mentality of it. Knowing that if she didn't start making the effort to see their relationship the way Connor did, she'd end up alone, Oralia tried to put herself in Connor's mindset. Stop denying there is more than an attraction..., sex wasn't really the sticking point, was it? Just a few minutes ago, when she'd thought that was Connor's child, Connor's ex, she'd felt a spike of jealousy. Not because he'd had sex with her but because... oh....

Realizing he hadn't left the suite after all, Oz didn't turn to look at him but she started talking, "You want me to say I love Jackson? Is that it?" Now she twisted in the sand and looked at him. "I don't. I barely know him... no, I suppose I do. I suppose I see in him the same sort of flighty, ungrounded spirit that I have. But, Connor, he isn't what I want. I realized that this morning while I was talking to him about you... really, about us. I've never wanted a relationship with him. I want that with you. You ground me."

Connor sat back on the bench, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his legs, his hands holding each other to his mouth. He had been watching her, and then he had closed his eyes to listen to the soothing sounds of his surroundings, calming himself down and listening to her. "What I want you to say" he said quietly, opening his eyes to gaze at her intently, "is that I'm all you want. That I'm... all you need. That you won't be 'desiring' other men, wondering what they would be like in bed just because they are well-built... or whatever else there is about them that attracts you to them. What I want is devotion, Oralia. If Jackson was to change his mind 'n' offer you a night with no strings attached, that you would turn him down."

Devotion? Standing up and turning towards him, she shook her head. "I don't cheat, ever," she paused for a moment, and added, "Well... unless there are drugs involved and then...," she shrugged a shoulder, "...who knows." Walking up to the dry beach and to the bench, she watched him, not caring that all she wore now was a red bra and panties - both wet. "When we were together, that was it: it was you and me and no one else. I wouldn't have gone to bed with anyone but you. But then... you left. Things were fine. We laughed and made love one night; the next, I came home to an empty apartment."

His eyes followed her, and he swallowed, "Things were not fine."

"Yeah, I pieced that part together," she snapped. "But... maybe we're just stuck right here. You want devotion; I want... to not be left," she said with no small amount of exasperation.

"I tried to apologize that same day, admit my mistake, explain what happened, why I left!" he snapped back. "You made it very clear that what I had to say...", his eyes went everywhere but her, reliving his attempt to explain that night, and her reaction, "..that there was no forgiveness. Maybe you're right 'n' we are stuck." He stood up, standing close to her, looking down at her, thinking about how much he wanted to touch her. It was in his eyes. "I'm not going to leave you again, but you have to ask me to come back home. I want to come back home."

Wasn't that what she wanted to hear from him? "If you come back now...," she shook her head and examined where her toes were buried in the sand. She couldn't look him in the eye right now, otherwise her libido would do all the talking, and thinking, for her, particularly with the way he was looking at her. "Maybe we should start smaller. Maybe we need to take a few steps back and... see what happens before living together again."

He hesitated before slightly agreeing. "Okay," he whispered, lowering his head as he reached behind her, sliding one hand over her behind, sliding his other hand into the hair at the nape of her neck, tilting her head up to him. He slowly kissed the side of her mouth, pulling her to him.

She didn't resist his hands or his kiss or his embrace. She did, however, move so he was kissing her neck, and so that she could ask, "Are you trying to distract me? Get me to think with my hormones? You know my weaknesses."

"Yes", he admitted, his warm breath on her as his lips remained touching her skin. He tugged down on her panties, and unhooked her bra. "Is that ...," his voice becoming husky, "...going to be a problem?"

"What..? No dinner and wine first? I didn't even finish my coffee," she teased. She felt his teeth on her neck and gasped. "What were you distracting me from?"

He didn't answer her. Instead he captured her lips with his own. Everything about the kiss telling her how much he missed her, needed her. His hands moved up to caress her face as the kiss deepened.

As distractions went, the kiss was an awfully good one and made Oralia want nothing more than to keep him by her side. Pulling at his shirt, she told him, "I do love you."

Helping her, he smiled back, "I know."

************

Connor McKinney
CMO

Oralia Zeferino
CSec