The Wonderful Spider Of Oz

Posted on Fri Apr 19th, 2013 @ 8:32am by Vic & Commander Patrick Leroy & Major Patrick Smith & Lieutenant Eric Edwards & Ignatius Reilly

Mission: Breaking New Ground
Location: Barka's Ship

Come on, you stupid..., this is a bug. B-U-G. Bug. Iggy nudged her silk-bound captive with a leg and dangled a six-legged insect before him. You can think it, I know you can, she urged, but the male tarantula remained mute. Instead, he struggled against the silk to reach the buzzing treat.

Iggy sighed heavily and dropped the bug (B-U-G) close enough for the male to bite into it. She then went back to one of her other time-passing endeavors. She had only three. Her fourth pastime, papering the walls of her cage with silk, had been taken from her. Her captor had hit on the idea of smearing the inside of the terrarium with a thick but clear slime; it kept her silk from sticking to the glass. Undaunted, Iggy turned to the other three pastimes: trying to teach her new pet how to speak (said endeavor wasn’t going very well); grooming herself and then sitting absolutely still for hours; and the third thing: a highly annoying, self-appointed task akin to papering the glass with silk.

I dig, I dig, I dig, I dig, and then I stop, she chanted. This was her version of an ancient tune, one sung by seven dwarves, “Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go.” Oralia had sung it for her while telling her a story about a girl running away from a stepmother. As Iggy chanted, she furiously dug at the substrate of her enclosure, kicking the loosened soil at the slime-coated glass walls, making them into dirt- and slime-coated walls.

I dig, I dig, I dig, I dig, and then I stop. She kept up the annoying sing-song chant, which filtered into the brains of any halfway intelligent being nearby, which meant she was reaching less than a quarter of Barka’s crew.

Barka’s eyes blinked open with the notes of the tune echoing between his neurons with that strange alien voice. The heavy fit of coughing came just a heartbeat later as the phlegm that usually formed in his respiratory system every time he dozed off, threatened to suffocate him for good. Eyes wide for a few instants while gasping for breath, he managed in the end to regain some composure and his whereabouts.

Arching an eyebrow he looked at the terrarium where the most precious itemof the collection was housed.

“You can also sing!” Barka exclaimed with glee. “Well this is not a great tune or one of the more appealing but it’s a tune nonetheless.” He commented nonchalantly. The grav-sled whirred, and creaked, as it hovered the burdensome mass about the terrarium.

Iggy stopped her digging and turned four eyes on Barka. Drolly, she said, Sing? No, I chant.

“Does that mean that in the end you chose to cooperate?” Barka asked clapping hands in a childish way. “Good. Good! I’ve got a wonderful idea!”

So was it that three Saktarian musicians were summoned to the collector’s ship to play their melodies in the room of the terrarium. “This will bring a good mood to my masterpiece!” Barka told each one of his subjects unfortunate enough to meet him around the ship.

Now... Saktarian musicians are well-known in the quadrant for just two things: the ludicrous wage they charge for their performance and the mighty endurance of their lungs and bodies, needing sleep only once in cycles of seventy-two hours. The latter was definitely of more interest to the jailed spider than the former...

Had Iggy had ears, she might have been able to plug them up and get some peace. Sadly, her hearing came by way of vibrations and vibrations are impossible to block out without some heavy engineering happening. Doing her best to ignore the music (though, really, the music wasn’t horrendous), she went back to digging, this time in beat with the Saktarian musicians’ beat.

* * *

As Eric and Vic materialized, the Security officer reflexively placed his back against the nearest wall and then pointed his gaze up and down the corridor. Gripping his phaser rifle, he whispered 'clear!' and then looked to Vic for further instruction. It was about the only thing he could do, short of expecting Patrick to suddenly blow them out of space.

Vic consulted the small device in his hand and motioned down the corridor. “She’s down that way and to starboard, about two hundred meters. Two life forms fifty meters down and moving this way.”

From down the corridor, voices echoed. “By the deities, that thing will not shut up!”

“Worst part of it is that it’s in my head,” complained the second voice then mimicked Iggy, “I dig, I dig, I dig, I stop. I’d like to smash it like the bug it is!”

“Watch out for that talk - Barka hears that and he’ll have you smashed.” The voices were drawing nearer. “We ready for tonight? We have fifteen arriving to view the... what was it? A spy-der?”

“Yeah. Four arrived at 0900; I showed them to the obs deck.”

The two men were moving their way. Vic touched Eric’s shoulder, then faded back around the corner, the small disruptor raised and ready.

Eric moved as best he could into a position where he could set up a crossfire without being seen, recognizing all of the tell-tale signs of an impending conflict. His heartbeat quickened, his palms sweated and his throat felt dry.

It was a testament to his training that he managed to ignore all of it and lie in wait.

* * *

Burning straight towards the collector’s ship Patrick opened fire as soon as he was in range, taking out a phaser bank before they knew what was happening. After that the shields went up and it became a game of cat and mouse with his ships weaving back and forth attempting to dodge the enemy fire. A lucky shot managed to catch his port side and the jolt knocked Patricks can of coke from his custom installed cup holder. “Aw common! I can’t even replace that right now!” he moaned out loud.

On Barka’s ship, the shots set off the red alert and the floor shifted slightly beneath them. The lights in the corridor dimmed just as the two men drew even with the cross corridor. The alert got them moving fast, however, and they broke into a run, shouting as they went. Vic waited a few beats, then peeked around the corner.

“Perfect. Let’s get our asses moving and get this done.” Slipping out into the corridor, he also broke into a run.

Eric didn't hesitate, taking off after Vic, spinning on his heel and leveling his rifle down the hall occasionally to ensure no one was pursuing them.

***** Barka’s room *****

“Master!”

The voice of the thug, tedious and annoying, disturbed Barka’s post-meridian cycle’s slumber. In an attempt to dismiss the nuisance, the imposing mass of the collector rolled over in a great jelly trembling of adipose layers.

“Master! Please!” The voice continued in his plea, “The ship is under attack!!”

Barka’s eyes opened wide as his abdominal muscles, well-hidden, made the titanic effort to bring him seated on the bed.

“Wh-what?” The collector stuttered, some spittle coming about. “M-My ship! My invaluable art pieces...” Stupefaction quickly vanished from Barka’s bovine eyes.

“Anything happens to my collection and you’re all fired!!” He raged, getting hold of the grav-sled to the side of the bed.

***** The Masterpiece Room *****

The red alert had scattered more than the two goons. The musicians in Barka’s ‘show room’ had also dispersed after one was flung from his seat. Vic slipped into the room and then, seeing the vast terrarium set up for Iggy, stopped and gave a low whistle.

In the terrarium, Iggy had stopped her chanting and her digging. Instead, she was now up on her back legs, trying to see over the dirt and slime clinging to the inside of the glass walls. What is happening? I cannot see! Her plan to hide herself from view was backfiring.

“Iggy?” Vic called out. She could be anywhere in that thing and if they could draw her close this would be a much shorter trip.

I am Iggy, came the oddly calm alien thought.

“Definitely her,” Eric said, recalling the last time he had heard Iggy’s voice in his thoughts, delivering her (quite hungover) to Oz in Li’s quarters. Of course, there probably was not an excess of telepathic spiders in the galaxy, so his confirmation wasn’t exactly necessary.

Several plants in the terrarium shook slightly but otherwise, the terrarium was silent. Are you the cause of the ship shaking?, came Iggy’s voice again.

“Iggy, it’s Vic.” Vic did a quick sweep of the room and though it was empty save for them, he didn’t relax. “And the shaking would be from Major Smith. Can you direct me to the door of this thing? We need to get you out and hit the road.”

Vic? Oh, you are Jackson’s male. You have given me beer. One moment, I must pack before we leave. The door is over here, she added, unhelpfully since neither Eric nor Vic could see just where she was.

“Jackson’s --? Uh...no not exactly. Well we do work together but...never mind. And Iggy? We can’t see you through all the crap on the walls.” Vic glanced over to Eric and laughed softly. “Just think of the story we’ll have to tell when we get home.”

Eric smirked in response, but was fairly used to Iggy’s unique terminology. He had more than once teased Norval for being a ‘double-male’.

“Iggy, it’s Eric,” he said, hoping she’d remember him, if not from the hungover delivery at least from his association with Norval. “Help me find the door so we can get you back home.”

Back out in space Patrick was coming under pressure of his own. The ship’s shields were rather annoyingly good and despite having knocked out one phaser bank early on, he was still finding things more difficult than he’d hoped. “Alright then. Let’s try a Riker and hope to utter goodness their shield bubble isn’t tiny,” he muttered to no one as he brought the ship around.

“Computer. Redirect shields to reinforce the fore, disable computer aided maneuvering and set thrusters to manual.” Flying in close toward one of the remaining phaser banks, Pat used the thrusters and cut the engines to turn the ship so that while it flew “Forward” it was technically flying directly sideways... right into the shield bubble at point blank range. Firing the unprotected hull lit up finally ending at the phaser bank, although not before it got a hit on him.

“Shields to 34%” the computer informed him.

“Re-engage controls,” he ordered banking off sharply as everything kicked back to normal.

* * *

Eric? Mate of the double male? Oh, yes, you delivered me home once when I was... unable to get there myself. And you are here to do so again. How very kind of you, Iggy answered Eric, sounding genuinely, if alienly, thankful. From inside the terrarium came the very quiet sounds of what might be cardboard scraping against something else. Ah, I am packed and ready, she announced then added, And we are here. Can you see my tarsus? An electric blue and black limb poked up through a small hole in the terrarium’s very large lid. There is an entryway here but I cannot open it.

Vic tapped the comm badge hidden in his breast pocket. “Patrick? We have Iggy. Give us thirty seconds, then beam the lot of us out.” He nodded to Eric. “You want to do the honors? I have an idea that will buy us some time if things go south.”

Eric nodded, flinging the harness of his rifle over his shoulder before searching for the portal Iggy was indicating. When he found it, he forced it open, perhaps more forcefully than he needed to, but time was short. He drove a fist through the webbing that had accumulated to clear the way.

“The very same,” he responded to Iggy’s earlier inquiry, before reaching his hand inside for her to climb up.

When Eric got the door open, Iggy took a slow step forward. Bits of dirt, leaves and plant debris were salted throughout her hair, giving her an odd look. Two of her front left legs wrapped protectively around a white box, holding it close to her belly. The burden was one reason why she moved slowly; the other was simply that she was a tarantula. Being a tarantula gave her two reasons to move slowly: one, she couldn’t breath while walking; two, her concept of time was different. By her thinking, they had all the time in the world. I am quite pleased to see you again. If you will take my pet, then I can climb to your shoulder and travel there. ‘Climbing to his shoulder’ really meant: ‘clutch onto your torso and head with my enormous leg span while my inch-long fangs hover just over your ear.’

Eric blinked and accepted the box before Iggy climbed aboard. “Uhh, sure?” he said, only shivered a little bit as his unusually large cargo boarded him... and not in the way he was used to.

Vic returned from the replicator with what appeared to be Iggy in his hands, though the creature wasn’t moving. On close inspection, it was obvious it was a fake. He settled it in the tank a little ways back from the glass and secured the hatch of the terrarium.

“That should do it.” As he spoke, a phaser blast sliced through the air. Thanks to the motion of the ship it missed them and hit the floor at their feet instead. Vic tapped bis badge yelled, “Patrick, get us out of here!”, then began to return fire towards the entrance.

Grasping Eric’s clothing tightly in her tarsi, Iggy mentally cried, Pay no attention to the creature in the box! Which creature she meant - the fake one Vic had just put in the big box or the one scrabbling for exit from the smaller box in Eric’s hand - wasn’t clear. And it didn’t really matter since, in the next moment, the spider and her rescuers were aboard Patrick’s vessel.

Iggy shook herself and opined, That transporter thing feels weird. Her fangs clicked and meshed against one another right next to Eric’s ear.

“Welcome back to Patrick Airlines. If you don’t mind hang on tight because I sure as hell ain’t sticking around,” Pat said as he turned away and jumped to warp right away. “Assuming I did enough damage they won’t be following us for a while.”

Vic dropped into the co-pilot seat and buckled in. “Let ‘er rip. Eric, everything okay?”

Eric winced at the sound of mandibles clacking next to his ear, but managed to give Vic a solid nod. “Yes sir, just a little... disconcerting,” he finished, setting down the box he had been entrusted with. “Would you care to disembark, my eight-legged friend?”

Yes, we should depart from here with all haste. Will we go faster than light now? Can I sit up front with the pilot? May I see a map of where we are and where we are going? Are we moving already? All of her questions came rapid-fire while she idly flicked some dirt from a leg and continued to cling to Eric.

Vic had to laugh at the barrage of questions. “Let’s see. Yes. I’ll take you. Yes, in a few minutes. Yes. That cover it all?”

Letting Eric hand her over to Vic, Iggy waited till she was in Vic’s lap then shook herself, much like a wet dog might, shaking off some of the dirt from her terrarium onto him. She then moved forward towards the controls. What is this symbol? And what would happen if I pushed this symbol? What does this one do? Why is this flashing? A tarsus hovered over two icons on the co-pilot’s console; one had a large red slash through it; the other was a small picture of the ship, with several red flashing zones.

Vic slipped his hand beneath her tarsus, covering the two symbols that were her target. “Bad things that would get our asses landing right back on that ship. Hands off, Iggy, if you want to get home.” Vic tapped the console with his other hand and brought up a star chart showing their route home. Up in the corner was the opening of the wormhole. “There you are Iggy. Once we get into the wormhole, it’s just a few minutes to the station but it will take a little time to get there.”

I have no hands, she replied, waving a back leg at Vic, showing him that her appendages didn’t end in hands. This is fucking awesome, she added as she looked over the map with two eyes, watched Patrick with another two and monitored Eric and Vic with her remaining four eyes.

Eric couldn’t help but chuckle as he sank onto one of the bunks towards the rear of the cabin. “I don’t think I ever got quite so excited about a shuttle ride or star charts as a kid,” he said, removing his weapons and grabbing a tricorder and engineering kit. “If it’s all right with you, Major, I can start seeing to some damage control.”

“I sure as hell did,” Patrick said. “Probably why I’m still doing it. I think you’ll love the wormhole Iggy,” he directed at the spider before turning to Eric. “Yea check the power transfers to the shields. Took a few shots and want to make sure nothings burnt out.”

“Got it,” Edwards replied, diving into his work in the aft of the ship. He was pretty pleased to have something to focus on in the aftermath of the rescue operation. While they hadn’t actually gotten into combat, he was still feeling the effects of an adrenaline surge, and sitting still wasn’t really an option.

Vic smiled, sensing the rush that still coursed through Eric. He could certainly understand it. “I’ll call the station and notify them we’re on our way home. In the meantime, settle in Iggy. We’ll get you there soon enough.”

I am eager to see Oralia, Iggy commented and curled in on herself, settling on Vic's lap. For now, thank you for coming to get me. Life there was boring - no lessons, no other spiders to fight. Besides my little friend. But I do not wish for him to be injured. It seemed that Iggy's 'settling in' involved lots of chatter.

You’ve been missed as well, Iggy, trust me on that one. Pity we won’t be there when they discover the fake Iggy. Vic answered her telepathically and only then did he stop to think how odd that should seem and didn’t. He shook his head and laughed, then turned his attention to the controls before him.

******************

Ignatius J. Reilly Zeferino
Damsel in No More Distress

Vic
Doing A Little Deception

Lt. Eric Edwards
Arachnid Delivery Service

Major Patrick Smith
Professional Bait

Barka
The Pissed Off Collector