Iggy Comes A'Knockin'

Posted on Wed Nov 9th, 2011 @ 3:24pm by Commander Oralia Zeferino & Admiral Ricky Wegener
Edited on on Wed Nov 9th, 2011 @ 3:55pm

Mission: In Our Time of Need
Location: Wegener's Quarters
Timeline: 1830 Hours

In the time since Lieutenant Commander Patrick Leroy's crystal had started enhancing Li Hawke's mental abilities, the spider formally known as Ignatius J. Reilly had also been getting enhanced. At first, she could form only simple thoughts; now, though, she'd spent time in Li Hawke's quarters and even more time outside the apartment, getting a lay of the land around her and learning things.

One thing she'd learned was how to manipulate the doors. From watching Oralia and others use the doors, she had come to understand that most of the doors on the ship had some sort of touch-based system to open or close the door. So it was that she was currently staring, up close, at the controls for Li's front door. Li had gone off, somewhere, though Ignatius wasn't entirely certain where. No matter, Iggy had her own errand to run. She finished her snack (one of the errant serpent worms from her earlier encounter with gagh) and let the dry carcass drop to the floor.

She pressed on the controls carefully, following the chemical traces left by Li's fingers. In her old life, she would never have known or understood how the door worked, let alone how to manipulate the controls by using Li's scent to figure out the keypad. Still, she was surprised, pleasantly, when the door whooshed open. Moving quickly, using a technique she'd practiced on Li's bedroom door, the spider scuttled around the doorjamb and paused on the outside corridor wall, waiting for the door to shut. It did and Iggy was off on her errand.

* * *Later* * *

Another trick Iggy had learned while staying with Li was the layout of the bipeds' world. She knew that the important offices and quarters were "up" from where Li's quarters were. The only exception, of course, was Oralia's office and quarters. Her office was far, far down while her quarters were on the same level, just down the corridor. Iggy wasn't headed for Oralia's quarters or office, though. She wished to speak to someone more powerful. Perhaps not as intelligent, but, according to Oz, he was the Big Kahuna, whatever that was.

Approaching the Admiral's quarters, Iggy scaled the wall and pressed on the door chime then waited. A moment passed and she leaned on the chime again, then again for a third time.

Due to the hour, Ricky wasn't expecting anyone and actually had a hard time hearing the chime over the sizzling of the chicken in the skillet. Finally, he answered, "One sec!", a bit flustered because he really needed to watch over the food he was cooking. Rushing quickly to the door he opened it...

...and saw nothing.

"Dammit." He ran back to the kitchen to stir the chicken and start the rest of the stir fry.

Doing the spider equivalent of a sigh of relief, Iggy paused on the man's ceiling and watched as he hustled away. She followed at a much more sedate pace and finally took up a spot in the upper corner of the kitchen, near the warmth of the Admiral's cooking dinner. Excuse me, she started off as politely as she could.

Having had the skillet in hand, along with the cutting board with the stir fry veggies in the other hand, Rick almost dropped both at the sound of the voice. He knew exactly who it was as soon as it spoke. Trying to remain calm, he continued cooking and replied. "Iggy," he started, then stopped. Gathering his thoughts, finally, he continued again. "If you insist on sneaking into offices and living quarters, I may have to speak to Oz about putting a tracking beacon on you."

At least his reaction had been better, milder, than the reaction of the engineer she'd surprised in the jefferies tube on her way here. She was glad she was faster than her size implied - otherwise, she might have a leg missing or a dent the size and shape of a spanner in her exoskeleton. I did not sneak in. I rang the chime, as that seems to be the norm when you bipeds visit each other, she replied. You opened the door and let me in.

"No, I opened the door to see who was there," he corrected her. "Us bipeds, as you call us, also wait and ask permission before entering someone's living quarters or office. It is considered very rude not to do so." He hadn't been looking at her when speaking, but figured out where she was from the sound of her voice and then turned to see her. "I do not mind a newly sentient being, such as yourself, being able to walk around freely on my base. However, if you continue to simply ignore the protocols in place, I will not allow you to be so free." He considered his words, and to whom he was speaking, and continued. "Please don't see this as a threat to your well-being. We simply follow certain social protocols in this place."

Protocols, she mused slowly and went still. After a short moment, she asked, Would you like me to try the door protocol again? I could go out, ring the chime and ask for entry.

He chuckled to himself as he tossed the skillet around to mix the contents. "No, Iggy. That won't be necessary. Just please remember to do that in areas of the base that would be considered one's home or one's personal office." Setting the skillet back down and adding some spices, he continued. "So, what has brought you all the way up to my quarters this fine evening?" He now turned to face her proper.

Before we get to that, what should I call you? It seems to me that, because Oralia holds you in high regard, I should call you something besides 'male'. She referred to you as the..., Iggy paused and scrubbed her face with a pedipalp, ...'Big Kahuna', though I am not aware of what that means.

He wasn't at all surprised to hear that Oz called him that. He rather liked the girl, hence placing her in charge of his security forces on the base. "My full name is Ricky Wegener. My rank on this base is...well, I'm in charge. You can simply refer to me as Admiral."

Admiral, Iggy tested the word. Shifting slightly in her position in the corner, she shuddered and started off with a rigid tone, Admiral, I have a formal request to make, regarding my, as you called it, 'newly sentient' status. I hesitate to explain everything to you as you probably will not be capable of understanding it. However, my status has been brought about by a crystal that is, apparently owned by a male Li calls "Leroy". Li and the double male spoke this evening of destroying the crystal. I fear that, if allowed to do so, their action will.... She paused. The idea of losing her sentience caused an unknown sensation. She passed the sensation along to the Admiral then continued, ...strip me of my ability to converse with you bipeds.

A small, sudden shudder of fear ran through him then subsided. He could definitely understand Iggy's concern. Being able to interact more with the world around you, instead of being stuck in a cage all the time, would be wonderful...and then to potentially have it taken away.

"That particular situation does not sound favorable at all," he agreed. "Unfortunately we don't now much about this crystal, at least that's what I'm told, and won't know if you will actually lose these new abilities or not. However, that crystal also has a hold on more than one...biped," he chose to use her word, "on this base that may bring them harm. We would have to try and come to a conclusion that would satisfy both you and the others."

He was finished cooking, dipped himself some of the food onto a plate, which he sat on the table, brought his glass of beer from the kitchen with him and sat. "Please, come in here so that we may continue speaking."

Following him from above still, Iggy waited till the Admiral had chosen a seat and taken it before anchoring a line and falling to the table top. The danger from the crystal is that Li Hawke's former mate seems to reside in it. She should have done what my kind do: drained her mate before discarding his carcass.

"Rhys, you mean?" He took a bite of the food and continued. "He's dead, Iggy. I don't see how he could harm her now." He then realized that he, himself, was being rude. "I'm sorry, I just realized that I didn't offer you any food. Are you hungry? I could get a small plate of this meal for you."

Ah..., she pointedly shifted towards his food and gave the impression that, if she could have, she'd have wrinkled her nose at it. Thank you for the offer but I have eaten recently. And, this time, I thought to bring a snack for later. She turned slightly and lifted one leg; the leg had a package wrapped in silk attached to it. The double male called it gagh. Relatively tasty, though hazardous to one's exoskeleton. She started grooming a front leg, one that had a small silk bandage wrapped around it.

"I never found the taste for it, myself," he said, continuing to eat. "But as I was saying, Rhys is no longer alive. Why is it that you think he lives in the crystal? Is that some sort of arachnid thing that I'm not aware of?"

In the middle of grooming, with her pedipalps still around her front leg, Iggy went still. An arachnid thing?, her tone dripped with disdain and she went back to her self-care. No, it is not an arachnid thing. It is a crystal thing. I know that this dead male is in the crystal because I have spoken with him. Also, he smacked me... I think. She related the nightmare she'd had while alone in Li's quarters. These nightmare things, I do not like them.

He considered her words as he drank and answered as the glass hit the table. "I will ensure, then, that this crystal is studied more carefully so that we can come to a swift and easy resolution, if possible."

I hope that resolution takes into account my continued sentience, she suggested strongly. And while I am here, I have other concerns you should take into account. For one thing, we will need to develop a system that will allow me access to and from Oralia's quarters and the up and down things... the turbolifts. Perhaps buttons for each floor should be installed so that those of us with no vocal cords can still use the devices.

At the mention of the buttons in the lifts, Rick almost did a spit-take of his beer all over Iggy, whom, he assumed, would not be very pleased at that. Finally, getting the brew to go down, he replied, "You can't be serious!?"

Of course I can be serious. Why would I not be serious about my concerns? Do you normally have visitors come and air their concerns in jest?

"Iggy, I don't think you're taking into consideration the amount of buttons that would require. I'm sorry, but we'd have to come up with something other than...buttons."

A female will be able to figure something out, Iggy assured him patiently. Apparently I will need to take that to someone else, such as Oralia. Speaking of Oralia,, though, really, she hadn't been discussing Oralia yet, you should name her as the Big Kahuna and be what she calls her 'minion'.

This time Ricky actually did spit-take beer towards Iggy. He then laughed at the surprise of doing so and the sudden jerk that she made, wondering what in the hell had just happened, no doubt. "Iggy, I'm sorry, but I cannot make Oralia the 'Big Kahuna'," he said, using air quotes. "I am in charge here and, yes, I am male. That is just something you will have to get used to. But I assure you, I hold females in the highest of regard and know that they are just as capable as the male of the species. You will come to realize this if we are able to keep your sentience intact."

As the Admiral laughed, Iggy set about grooming herself again. Realizing the task was more than she could do right now, she stopped and stared at the Admiral as he chortled. I do not joke or kid. I do not know how to do that. Yet.

"There are many races that don't do it at all," he mused, thinking of his Chief Operations officer. "So if you understand it, or don't, it is of no matter." He looked at her grooming and felt bad for spitting beer towards, and on, her. "Would you like me to help you with that? It's my fault you got wet, after all."

Suddenly, Iggy just....stopped. Rick assumed she was pondering his question. Then, when she didn't answer, he prompted, "I am sorry," he said. "I truly did not mean to do that."

Still, she was as if a statue. Not moving, not grooming, not speaking...and not blinking. "Um....Iggy?"

Nothing.

"You're not going to try and eat me now, are you?"

Obviously she was lost in La-La Land. So, he decided to look back at her, and give her time to process whatever it was she was thinking. And his looking back turned into a staring contest.

He had blinked numerous times--the spider, not once. They did not, after all, have any eyelids.

He sighed heavily. "What to do now?" he thought to himself. "Do I continue eating? Have I royally pissed her off? Is she gonna' jump on my face and suck out my insides? Did she just die here on my kitchen table?" That thought worried him. Not insomuch as her death, which would be very regrettable, but the ass-chewing that Oz would try to give him, despite their massive rank difference.

Finally, he gave up. He was still hungry and his food was getting cold. He continued to eat.

What the spider had been doing during her long pause was a combination of simply breathing, since she was unable to move while breathing; considering the proposition that males were somehow equal to females; and analyzing the liquid the Admiral had sprayed on her. When its flavor and effect first hit her, she worried it was a poison. The small amount she'd ingested already rushed to her blood and then to her ...brain, or the multiple areas that passed for her brain... and made her feel... loopy. She feared if she moved, she'd stagger instead. Moments ticked by as she debated whether the feeling was pleasant or sickening.

Not realizing and not caring how long she had stood still, when Iggy burst into action, she made the Admiral recoil in surprise. Her sudden motion was aimed at the glass the Admiral had been drinking from. Unfortunately, the Admiral had just picked it up and pulled away before she reached it - it was all a part of his surprised reaction. Gimme dat!, she scurried to the edge of the table and, leaning out with two legs waving, reached for the glass.

"Whoa...whoa! What are you doing?"

What is that? Iggy realized she was off balance in a bad way and quickly tried to scramble backward.

"It's called beer. I brought a large supply of it from back home."

Having come to another complete standstill, Iggy tested the new word, Beer. Each of her legs lifted and tapped back down in turn, a miniature wave on the Admiral's table. And you have more of this delightful liquid?, she sounded pleased and continued, May I have some, please?

"Are you sure that's wise?" he asked. "Considering the sudden little burst of energy, and your newfound awkwardness in walking, that may not be such a good idea."

I have no awkwardness in my walking. That beer tasted good. Please? She lifted one leg and pointed at his beer. Just another few sips.

He stood and found a small saucer and poured more of his beer into it for her. "Here ya' go, but if you wind up all loopy, don't come whining to me."

Ignoring his comment, the spider first reared up in an impressive display of outstretched legs and bared fangs. Hail the Big Kahuna! Settling back down, she stepped into the saucer and used her pedipalps to 'drink' the beer. A moment later, after the level of the beer had dropped a bit, she asked, Where is home for you?

"Earth," he replied simply. "Well, in a way. My race is not actually from there, but that's where I grew up." He thought about how to continue the conversation. "Is that also where you are from? Or do you not know where Oralia...um...got you?" He didn't know if she had been purchased, captured or by what means she had been obtained by Oz. He also didn't want to offend the very large, very intoxicated spider.

Hunkering down till her belly rested on the table, her two front legs still in the saucer, Iggy quietly considered his question then responded, My before is hazy. All I recall of it is glass walls then box walls, then more glass walls. She would have to ask Oralia where she came from; Oz knew everything, so Iggy was certain she'd know this, too. What is 'race'?

"Oh, uh...race," he repeated the word. So easy to explain yet so difficult. "Are there different kinds of spiders?" he asked, hoping to help that way.

There are female and there are male, Iggy answered. She'd grown up cloistered in her own terrarium, alone, as she'd likely have killed and eaten any other spider put in her terrarium. It was just the nature of her being. But, as a result, she didn't have any concept of there being different species or kinds. A spider was a spider, just like her.

"Well, that was no help," he said to himself. "You know that there are males and females," he said, "but Li, for example, is not the same type of biped that I am. Her race was born with different abilities than mine--mental abilities," he added, in case the spider wasn't sure what he was speaking of. "My race, from a different planet, has the ability to live for many thousands of years without aging much. Still others, bipeds, look different. Pointy ears, different skin color, some breathe different types of air, some have more body parts--" he looked at her a bit confused. "Do you mean to tell me that, in all of your scramblings about on this base, you have not paid attention to what each of the bipeds look like? Their differences?"

Iggy shuffled to one side and stayed silent. Then, in an awed whisper, even though her 'voice' was actually just thoughts, she said, There are different kinds of bipeds? I noticed that there were big bipeds, little ones, fat ones, smelly ones, some have a thing in their bellies, like the double male in Li's quarters. I can tell each biped apart by his or her vibrations and chemicals; otherwise, they all look alike to me. But... they are all different races? Is the double male the same race as Li?

"I--" he stopped. "I'm sorry, but what is a double male?"

He carries a worm in his belly, but claims it is not for eating. When near him, I can sense two minds in the one body. Thus, two males: a double male.

"Ah, okay. No, that person is from a race called Trill. Li is from a race called Betazoid. I am El-Aurian. Oralia is human. There are many, many kinds of races on this base and even more throughout the galaxy."

Thinking on the Admiral's words, Iggy went back to sucking up beer.

"My dear Ignatius, I do believe you have some reading to do, if you do, indeed, read. You could learn so much about this new world that you've found yourself in."

This is a very big world. Very big new world, Iggy sounded intimidated. Indeed, as Ricky had spoken, her legs had started to curl under her. Ooooohhh...., she groaned and rolled over onto her back, where she stayed, legs curled in, everything still. Too big.

He smiled. "Told you to watch out for that beer."

------------------
A joint post by:

Ignatius J. Reilly
Undereducated Drunk

&

VADM Ricky Wegener
Surprised Educator