Too Much Between Us

Posted on Sat Oct 22nd, 2011 @ 7:47am by Commander Oralia Zeferino & http://starbase900.info/index.php/personnel/character/23

Mission: In Our Time of Need
Location: Connor's Quarters
Timeline: Current

ON:

Connor sat at on a stool at the kitchen island counter catching his reflection in the mirror across the room. What he saw was the reflection of a man he could barely look at. Someone who was nothing like he wanted to be. So he looked away. His hand still slightly shook, so he poured himself another drink, setting the bottle down in front of himself, and then he heard the door chime. "Enter" he said loudly, turning his eyes towards the door and placing his glass to his lips for another swallow, and not really expecting to see who entered through it.

Disappointment swept over Oralia's features as she saw just what Connor was drinking. "Perhaps I should come back some other time...," she offered, hesitantly stopping in the doorway.

He looked downwards at the counter, setting the drink down and pushing it away with the back of his hand. "I didn't think you were going to come."

Truth was, she'd been reluctant to come. Coming meant having a difficult conversation and Oz was notorious for avoiding those. Easy conversations, with lots of laughter, those she liked. As an answer, she shrugged both shoulders. "Yeah, well.... Call me unpredictable."

"Yeah, well..." he forced a smile, and looked at her, "Will you come all the way in?"

Nodding, she did. She also fell back on her role as Security Chief to make this easier: "When you were attacked, did you smell anything?" She hoped he had, as she had smelled Orion when she'd entered.

He frowned, "I thought we were going to yarn about us, Oralia." He slid off the stool, grabbing the drink, and taking it with him to the couch. His gut reminded him to slow down halfway there, and he sat down carefully, though pain shot through him as he flashed back. "Yes. Orion? Someone with poor hygiene regardless..", he said closing his eyes, and facing downwards, pressing on his forehead with the palm of his hand.

Following him to the living room, she perched on the edge of the armchair's seat. "Ok, I'll let Darwin know. Not as if there's a database of low-lifes who stink... but, never know what it might turn up." Nothing else had turned anything up. "If we're going to talk about us, then... let's."

He removed his hand from his forehead, and looked at her, "I know I haven't been fair to you. I know...that you love me." He paused, finding it hard to say what he was going to say next, so instead he said, " I'm sorry."

Emotion choked her, made her eyes tear up; she cleared her throat and nodded, frowning. "And? You're sorry? Is that it? How about explaining what happened?" It took all her willpower to not curse as she spoke to him.

His face darkening, his own eyes teared up, "I don't trust you."

She blinked. "You don't...?" She was floored but the statement brought up a memory of Jackson asking her what she'd done to make Connor not trust her. Leaning forward slightly, she looked at him intently and asked, "What has happened that makes you distrust me?"

He avoided her eyes, needing to turn away, his jawline tensed as his eyes returned to lock onto hers. "What's been happening. Out late dressed like...", he cut himself off before continuing, "not telling me where you've been. Avoiding my questions 'n' distracting me. I'm not blind, Oralia..." He breathed in hard as the emotional pain of what he couldn't let go of surged through him, "You can't even admit your attraction to him."

"To...?" She nearly asked who, but she already knew. Again, she blinked in shock and almost laughed - she was sure she'd made it clear that she was attracted to Jackson. But so what? She wasn't going to act on it, and his accusation that she would needled her hard. Oralia stopped her thoughts, realizing that Connor couldn't read them. "To Jackson. Oh, babe," she started off with a touch of admonition in her voice, "Yes, I'm attracted to him! I've told you that. You knew I was going to the Nexus Club, and other places on the Starbase, to figure out how best to handle security on this 'base."

"I would never forget! Ever! It's all bullshit!", and he stood up, too quickly, "If I thought it was only an attraction I could deal with it", his voice shook, and he paled as his body reacted to the strain, and he bent over, pressing his hands onto his legs. "All the little hints that you were bushed of me, couldn't deal with me anymore, didn't want to live with me..."

"Do you recall that I asked you to move in with me?" She looked at him, worried that he was so emotional. Somehow, it made her emotions easier to keep in line. "You're ...high maintenance, but I don't know where you're getting that I didn't want to live with you or was... 'bushed' of you."

Frustrated at her control, a control that only fed how he was feeling, Connor walked away from her and into the bedroom, where the site of his bed, even though cleaned, caused him to sit back down in a near by chair. High maintenance, those words didn't help. But they were the truth, he knew it. This wasn't suppose to be how this talk was suppose to go. More than anything, he wanted her back. Running a hand over his mouth, he leaned on the chair's arm, and worked on calming himself.

For a moment, Oralia debated following him. There were two reasons she didn't want to: one, they tended to make use of any bed near them instead of talking; two, that particular bed had a surprisingly horrific image attached to it, the one of Connor bleeding out. She had to be honest with herself, too: perhaps she shouldn't go after him and promise to change. Perhaps she was unhealthy for him, the cause of his current issue. The warning he'd passed on came back to her: damn right, she was unhealthy for him. Association with her, as one of her 'dear' ones, could prove fatal for him.

She stood, intending to leave, but instead found herself standing in front of Connor. "I don't know what to do."

He didn't look up at her, instead shook his head, his voice quiet. "Neither do I. When I told you I always wanted to be there for you", he continued, and his voice cracked, "I meant it. I still do. I love you. But it's not enough. Maybe...I don't love you enough. Maybe, I'm not capable. You said it in the corridor the other day, 'n' just now, I'm high maintenance, something you don't want to deal with anymore..." He looked up at her, shifting in his seat and looking at her as if he wanted her to prove him wrong, "I am trying so hard to believe you when you say you wouldn't betray me, that I didn't chase you into Jackson's bed...but I can't. Not with..."

Sensing that now was not the time to pick at his definition of 'always', she instead focused on the last bit of his wording, "Not with what?"

He slowly stood up, putting himself in close proximity to her, "It's at my desk", which was out in the living room.

"What is?" She touched his arm.

He looked down at her and at her hand on his arm. Feeling she was trying to distract him, he pulled away, and lead her out into the living room, to his computer, which he turned on. He picked up a data chip, "I found this on your desk", and inserted it into his computer, indicating with a hand for her to sit down.

She took the indicated seat, glancing up at him as she did. The computer displayed the contents of the chip: a few dozen songs, many of which had 'love' in the title, and a holodeck program title "Charleston, SC". Oz looked at the listing then at Connor and shrugged. "What is this?"

"You don't know? It was on your desk. I took a look at the holoprogram, Oralia", his voice getting angry, "You're the investigator, figure it out." He walked back over to the coffee table, and picked up the scotch he had poured himself earlier, and swallowed it down. "Add to it, I heard the message Jackson sent to you, that morning, the same morning, I saw you bail The Nexus... hours before you were to go on duty!", he whipped his glass across the room, and it shattered as it hit a wall. "That killed me Oralia", he put a hand out to her, "You might as well of stuck a knife in me yourself. Add to it, I shouldn't of drank that ale with him the night before, I wanted to kill him that morning!"

A band tightened around her chest; she recognized it as fear, which only served to make her angry. Moving slowly, she pulled the data chip from the computer and looked it over. Her response to him was slow in coming - mostly because she had to think of what day he was talking about and get over the shattered glass. "Bail The Nexus...," she looked at him and sighed, "First, Chance mangled that message from Jackson; he made it sound much more... intimate than it was. Second, that morning, I went to talk to Jackson because Kh'ali had disappeared and he hadn't been available for anyone else to talk to prior to then."

She was more than moderately amazed with the evenness of her tone. Holding up the chip, she asked, "Do you recall Darwin giving me a data chip the night I asked you to move in?" She set it on the desk and stood. "That's it. Gilroy compiled it for us."

"Your security officer gave you a data chip with romantic music 'n' a romantic holoprogram?" his tone incredulous, and he was feeling confused, "Isn't Charleston, South Carolina, Jackson Banning's home town?"

Blankly, she returned Connor's gaze. Was Charleston where Jackson hailed from? She wasn't sure. The southern accent would fit, though. "Gilroy made it. He knew I was nervous about asking you, knew that I'm about as romantic as a...," she cast about for an appropriate simile, "...a tree stump in the swamp. He was trying to help."

Connor paled even more, "Why didn't you tell me about Kh'ali that night?"

"You seemed so happy, I didn't want to spoil that with my work issue."

It would of mattered to him, he would have wanted to know. "Because I'm high maintenance."

Cocking her head to the side, she regarded him a moment. "No, because I ...really like you being happy and, after the bad night I was having, I just wanted to keep that going."

"I've ruined everything", he swallowed, not looking at her anymore, not looking at anything in particular, just a distant sad look in his eyes. "I'm not good for you, Oralia. I never have been."

A day ago, she'd have argued with him. Today, the day after he'd been stabbed and given a warning for her, she muzzled her objections to his comments. Doing so wasn't easy; she hated the look Connor had right now, would normally do anything to change it. Instead, she curtly nodded once, disappeared into the kitchen, where she grabbed the bottle of scotch, and came back out, saying, "About as good as this is for you. Get straight, Connor. Then we'll talk again." Hoping she'd have whoever had stabbed him in custody by the time he 'got straight', Oralia headed for the door.

Wishing he could go back in time, wishing he could do things all over again, he reached out, grabbing her arm as she passed him, "Oralia..."

She stopped and looked at him a moment before shaking his hand off and reaching up to hug him. Tears spilled over as she whispered to him, "Not now. There's too much between us."

His arms had started to come up around her, but he stopped himself, and buried his face in her shoulder, "Okay", he whispered back, breathing in deeply as he held back his own tears.

Squeezing his shoulder with her free hand, Oralia sniffled and stepped back from him. "Stay away from this," she shook the bottle she held, "...and we'll talk." This time, as she headed for the door, she paused, turned back and added, "Hey, you haven't seen Iggy, have you? She's gone for a walkabout. I keep getting occasional reports about her, but no one's thought to bring her to me."

"No", he said shaking his head, his voice barely above a whisper, his hands frozen down by his side.

"'kay," Oz hid her disappointment and disappeared into the corridor.

_______________
Oralia Zeferino
Connor McKinney